Day 10 - Something you're afraid of

When I read this question my first thought was that my fear needs to be something deep and thoughtful. No idea why I came to this conclusion but maybe it's because I feel that no one really cares that I'm afraid of spiders! So I sort of ran through a common phobia's list in my head (and I say nope because I'm not scared of it) - tight spaces: nope, failure: nope, snakes: nope, flying: nope, heights: nope, rejection: nope - you get the picture. I'm running through this list and to clarify that some of those things of course are a little frightening - I mean come on who really wants to fail?! However, when I thought about it yes failure is scary but I also see it as a great life learning opportunity. It happens to everyone at some point, it's going to happen to me right - might as well embrace it. When it came down to it I realized that I am pretty scared of death. Death of loved ones, and my own demise (even that word is a scary!). Thinking about it I have never been someone who is good with goodbyes - even as a child I never would say bye or love you when leaving because that meant I wouldn't be seeing you for a little awhile and I'd miss you. Strange perhaps but that's me. Even now saying goodbye to someone is something I have a difficult time with. I'm lucky to say that in my 24 years I've lost very few people close to me (knock on wood) - both of my grandfathers (whom I miss dearly and moments in my life like this I wish more than anything they were here), a member of Kev's family (I know you are greatly missed), and a few family friends. Now I'd like to say that just because I am scared of death does not mean that I do not believe in a higher power, God in my case. I've never been a very religious person but I believe there is something out there bigger than you and me. So why am I scared of death then you ask - well maybe because it's the biggest unknown of all time. It's weird because I do think there is a Heaven up there but really no one knows for sure, and no one can tell you what it's like - they can say what they think it's like but who knows if that's anywhere near the truth. This is factor though that I can get past because I honestly believe those you and I have loved are in a better, happier place. They have to be, or why else have they been taken from me. More so than the unknown of Heaven it's the thought of no longer being here - with the ones that I love. It's odd to think that someday (hopefully very very very very very far down the road) you are no longer going to be here. I mean think about it - can you imagine what it's going to be like when you are no longer on Earth - leaving behind loved ones, your interests, your own body for that matter! (hard to think about isn't it). That's terrifying to me! And let me make this clear I will NOT be having my body put into the ground - no way jose - I will be cremated. And honestly I don't think death is as simple as people make it out to be - a life phase. Yes, it is but it's not just that, death (your own or your loved ones) it's something you prepare for years before it actually happens - not just with things like money and burial plots but mentally as well. You have to be ok with leaving your family, friends, belongings, body -LIFE! - before you can die peacefully, at least I think so. I guess I'm just not there yet, I hope someday I can get to that point where I'm comfortable with the thought but as of now I'm not. 

 

R.I.P. Grandpa Jim - I miss you.